what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
