Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
