At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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