I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
