i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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