I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
