You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
