so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
