Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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