i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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