Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
