i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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