I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
