Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY