i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
