He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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