You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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