Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
