The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
