He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
