She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
