Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
