Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
