I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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