She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
