I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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