Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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