I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
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Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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