Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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