I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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