I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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