I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
