I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
