If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You smell like stripper and shame
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
