just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You can't just leave with hair like that
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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