paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
