Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize