i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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