i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
