Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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