You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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