You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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