Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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