So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
