I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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