I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
