I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
