i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
