just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am one with the molecules
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
