Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He shit in the fireplace
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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