she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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