I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.