Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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