hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
