I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
