I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
